everythingeverythingeverythingeverything...

I'm thinking about going back to art college.

Anyhoo

... the con's as promised.

1. Too skinny
2. Talked too much which I wouldn't mind if he had something interesting to say... but most of the time my eyes must have been boring right through his fucking skull into the wall behind him in sheer boredom. A conversation is supposed to be two-way.
3. Stuck up snob
4. Totally pretentious taste in music and a lot of other things
5. Cock sure
6. Too heavy handed... leaving me black and blue for what? To prove his masculinity? Fucker
7. Bad dancer (not that it matters much)
8. Very obviously prefered blondes... twat... I'm a proud, natural brunette

Anyway, fuck him...

I hope L is going out on Friday. I might borrow one of sis's teeny weeny skirts, more like a belt kinda thing... get the pins out since they are a little more streamlined and tanned from last weeks sunbathing seshs. And buy a bottle of wine or brandy, depending on how mental I feel, to down before I go out.

... on my face
... on my fingernails
... on my toenails
... on my lips

Apparently the make-up 'look' at the moment (according to the Metro so don't take it too seriously) is androgynous. Fuck that. If you're going for this look, you are ideally aiming to resemble a pretty teenage boy (?!?!?). You have to ditch the mascara, don some eyeliner, let your brows grow (Brooke Shields styley? I dunno), face is pale, a little blush but not on the apples of the cheeks but a little further down. Don't think you can do lipgloss but a little matte lip stain is ok. Why am I bothering? Does anyone want to look like this?

Being dumped may not do much for ones self esteem but it does wonders for the figure. Well I've never been good at dealing with stress, emotional or otherwise, and my stomach is even worse... I've got a permanent feeling of nausea. I can only eat things which are sweet and biscuity. For example... the time is 14.53 and I have had 2 chocolate digestives and a mini kitkat since waking up. But I ain't looking too bad as a consequence.

But I'm scared that him dumping me has brought out the bitch (a skinny one at that) in me. The other night, I was writing a kind of pro's and con's list of my relationship (if you can call it that) with him. I started with the con's and I couldn't stop then, I was on a roll. Some of it was so nasty, but fucking funny at the same time. It doesn't matter, he'd never see any of it anyway.

I don't feel like posting them at the moment because I'm not in a bitchy mood but I might do later. There isn't any pro's, I didn't get that far.

I did go to bed in an optimistic mood last night...

Today was supposed to be my day off and I woke up with the sun beaming (well kinda) through my window. So I had plans to get up relatively early (for a day off) and wander into town to go shopping and perhaps look at the possibility of a short break.

But the boss called and asked in his miserable, gruff, manc accent if I could come in later. I stupidly agreed probably because I was in a good mood. Now I'm miserable at the prospect of spending my evening with a bunch of annoying twats. Pardon my French.

Not only that... the reason I was unusually optimistic was because I was also pondering my problems with S while I was in the bath. Going through all that girl power shit like, "I deserve better than him anyway", "I've always been out of his league" etc etc. I was doing a pretty convincing job of brainwashing myself.

Now I've done some more pondering in my more miserable disposition and just think I've been used for the last 8/9ish months. Or not so much that I've been used, just that me and him have been on completely different planets in expectations. Its not like I was looking at bloody wedding magazines or anything but I just wanted a normal, happy relationship.

Just as basic as... me = girlfriend and you = boyfriend.

But what was he thinking? me = fuckbuddy and you = fuckbuddy.

Since we last slept together, he's pretty much ignored me apart from moaning to me about his money problems. And I've let him ignore me... whats the point in arguing with him? Even though I'd like a relationship with him, I've never done the bunny boiler thing, if he's wanted space then I've always given it to him... in shedloads.

I don't know whether I should just ask him for a truthful answer since it doesn't really matter, everything is ruined anyway. I mean I suppose I deserve that much even if I have been completely disillusioned.

...

...

... well I just text him, will update when I get, if I get, reply