everythingeverythingeverythingeverything...

It was good last night... wasn't much looking forward to it as I would have rather just moped around the house for the evening and enjoy being miserable. Well I can do that today because I'm working later

But yeah, don't think I've laughed that much for ages. Me and my sis were placed on the same table as two older couples who looked a bit stuck up at first but they were well getting into it.

Table 7 didn't get it right though, we were a bit... um... off the mark. I'd definately go again if the hotel has another one.

S hasn't called but he can piss off, I can't be bothered with him.

Okay, so its a bit late in the year...

But I've been thinking about the resolutions I made at New Year. Not as if I need to give up smoking, lose weight or anything like that. I think everyone makes little secret resolutions though that they don't tell anyone about.

Currently, I'm working within a very male environment and not the nicest males to work with at that.

They all talk utter filth, argue with each other, try constantly to out-do each other etc. etc... Its all fake macho shit, too much fucking testosterone in the air and its making me nausceous. Sometimes its amusing but mostly tiring and a bit boring to be honest. I know they think I'm a bit of a soft touch but I don't wanna change to fit in with them, God knows what kind of transformation that'd be.

I always thought I could get on with anyone like I was an easy-going, friends-with-everyone type. Yet I don't actually like anyone at work and I can't be bothered trying to like them... I've just relented to despising of them and thats a bit depressing.

Sometimes I wish I stayed at my old job, it was tons of pressure and targets but my personality was better suited to it. I could be nice, friendly, sweet, polite and its not percieved as a weakness... I could use it to sell, pull favours.

So maybe my resolutions now are:
1) Get new job
2) Ditch crap boyfriend/fuckbuddy... whatever the hell he's supposed to be...
3) Take a break

When I was feeling all loved up, was planning on doing no.3 with victim of no.2...

But aren't relationships expensive? And they hurt, I don't react well to pain... I tend to shirk away from it. So now, plan is I have to carry out resolution no.2 before I can indulge in resolution no.3...

It'll be hard but its a bit easier imagining where I'm gonna go. Last year I escaped to Barcelona for a bit... and took some um, shitty snapshots with a disposable...

So I might go back... and I can just chill out, have fun and be myself. So thats something to look forward to...

Must dash, have to deliver present to best friend, she's 21 tomorrow. Then get ready for tonight... going to a murder mystery night with my sis so if crap boyfriend calls, I'm busy!

People express anger in different ways. Some with violence, some drink themselves stupid and crap like that. I end up wanting to cook, for some messed up reason. I suppose this is a good thing, that I want to create rather than destruct when I'm pissed off.

So I made a fruit cake mainly cos I felt like beating something. So I whacked in a big lump of butter and creamed it together with a mound of sugar. This wasn't gonna be no namby-pamby low-fat effort. Cracked in four eggs (yes four, well why the hell not?). Added some flour, various mixed spices and a ton of fruit and beat it to an inch of its life with a wooden spoon. Banged it in the oven (in a suitable container obviously) on a rather ferocious heat for about an hour... come out rather well considering and tastes quite good for an angry person. Tastes a bit like Christmas cake.

Needless to say, only this type of anger could be provoked by a certain male. To be honest, its more frustration than anything.

Well he's having problems cos he's off to uni in September and the whole money thing is troubling him. His parents are loaded which will probably work against him. He's taking it out on me and being all frosty with me. I'm being a mug and taking it all on the chin, trying to be nice because I know what its like to worry about money. I offered to meet up with him for lunch today to talk but he said he had stuff to sort out at work. A lame excuse because when I worked there with him, I don't remember him working through his dinner breaks.

I give up... for now. Its just disheartening, trying to show someone that you care and they don't want to know.

Wooh that cake must have had a mass of sugar in it, I'm ready for bed.

Well, thats my very first attempt at a Danish Pastry.

Basically its not for me as I don't really have a sweet tooth but for my sister. She complains that she can't find anywhere that does a decent Danish or that the bakers always sell out.

Its not as easy to make as I first imagined. I followed an old recipe written in 1951 apparently. Its actually a bread, not a pastry. The sweet, milky, butter rich dough is infused with mace and vanilla (I used a vanilla pod) and left to rise. Then small pieces of butter are layered into the dough... much like making puff or flaky pastry. Left to rise again. Then rolled out and I used flaked almonds, raisins, sugar and cinnamon as my filling. Rolled up tightly (thats very important) and cut into pinwheels.

I think its a working progress but I'd like to experiment with different shapes and fillings, possibly a nice apple and nutmeg one.

Okay... not too happy cos I'm working later. Its gonna be such a lovely evening and I'll be missing it all so pray it goes really quick.

But on another note... last night was bliss. I'll probably end up getting everything wrong tonight at work because all I'll be thinking about is last night.

Obviously the on-off/love-hate nature of my relationship with 'him' continues.

So we met up last night and it was a nice balmy evening... I had butterflies when I was getting ready to see him, pretty bad, which is a bit pathetic cos its not like we're 'new' or anything. We chatted and stuff about nothing in particular.

Needless to say we ended up sleeping together not that I'd go into all the gory details... but the nice bits like his head nestled into my neck and hair when we're sleeping... or him reaching his arm around me to entwine his fingers in mine... or how good it feels to be totally encircled in his arms.

God I'm crazy about him... literally, he will send me crazy.

That title makes me sound a bit simple doesn't it?

Oh well, no matter...

Ooooh... happy because I seem to be dropping weight like theres no tomorrow, not sure how its happening but I've lost a further 5 pounds from somewhere. So I bought some new itsy bitsy Levis to prance around in...

It won't last long as I've got to fit in a couple of Easter eggs before work tomorrow.

Sad because I'm working tonight, in a little bit, and tomorrow. Pray it goes quick because I'm feeling lazy.

Bad because I may meet up with Mr X tomorrow after I finish work... I know he's wrong for me and I'll only end up moaning about him again in a few days time... but I'm in the mood for some fun. Might be all this weight loss but I feel like jumping around like a little Spring lamb (which I had yesterday, roasted... it was good)!!!

Some fucker has made me ill...

I had a head like a foot last night, a throat like sandpaper, in a hot sweat having nightmares about salad (don't ask)....

Work was good tonight though, busy and kept on my toes. Got a couple of days off until the weekend, what should I do with myself? Given that I'm not well, might buy in a bottle of naff whiskey and keep warm in bed.

Will post more tomorrow... ugh

Yum yum yum... I bought his album today, located it in HMV which was unexpected... never find anything I want in there. Not had chance listen to much of it yet... only just got in from work... but it has brightened up my day - listening to his sexy voice.

Urrggh... I've ate too much but I don't feel too bad, I discovered the other day that I've lost half a stone, YAY! I'm struggling to figure out where its actually gone cos my stomach still feels a bit doughy.

I feel a bit of a rant coming on... well I did actually text the ex last week or he text me and I replied. He's not even an ex as such, but may as well be cos we're so fucking on and off.

Anyway I asked him on Friday what he was up to later... assuming, not without reason, that he would wanna see me. His reply was,

"I'm going around town with Jason and his new girlfriend. As I got paid the plan is to get smashed! Really smashed. And I never make empty threats!"

The words that sprang to mind when he said this was basically "Fuck", "You" and "Then". So I stayed home alone (my plans shattered) and angrily drank myself a bit stupid. Went bed and he text me (probably drunk) at about 3.30am saying,

"I'm tryin to sleep on my mates sofa. I ended up in Manchester. I can't sleep as I'm thinkin of you. Wishin I was with you!"

I replied in some sort of annoyed, pissed off way. I dunno why I bother... I'm intelligent (or so I've been told) so why am I being so stupidly nice to him?

Anyhoo thats my rant, I feel a bit better now. Not that much... I'm working later. Hmmph, I'm having a bad day.

I will digress for a bit... to rant on about these guys...

Well if you aven't heard of them already, AUTO are a french electro band and I am loving them at the mo particularly their tracks 'Commeinh' and 'La Metamorphose'. Its a bit retro, sounds a bit like music from an old computer game. Very catchy, addictive stuff. Unfortunately some of their CDs are a bit hard to get hold of.

And a another cool thing they've come up with, apart from their tunes, is The Automachine so yer can ave a dabble yerself. Bit of fun.

Anyhoo, they got a cool WEBSITE where you can listen to their stuff and a MYSPACE where last time I looked you could download 'La Metamorphose' free.