everythingeverythingeverythingeverything...

How long does it take? Minutes, hours, days? I've felt a bit queasy all day. Although I did eat an undercooked burger yesterday... it decieved me though, it looked fine from the outside. It put me off but I was so hungry, I stuck it back in the frying pan half eaten.

If I am, I would be mostly horrified but maybe a little excited too. He would just be horrified but perhaps he'll suprise me. Pointless worrying until I know. I guess I'll have to do a test.

I have just returned home. The house is empty and I hope it remains so for a little while longer. I've still got bed head and no make up on to cover up the lack of sleep I've had.

Am I supposed to be his girlfriend now? I started seeing him with the most minimal of expectations. It was just for fun. Last night he even cooked for me which was quite hilarious... seeing him domesticated.

I'm gonna try and attempt to do a sneaky drawing of him. Which wouldn't be difficult. I always watch him when he sleeps so I may as well occupy myself. If I'm successful, I'll post it up.

Guardian's Poetry Workshop for this month was set by Esther Morgan. If you were a ghost what kind of ghost would you be? I remember writing at school. They made it impossible to attempt to write a poem. Having to rhyme, have the correct number of syllables in each line, the correct number of lines in each verse. No wonder kids are illiterate these days, perhaps myself included in that. I couldn't help having a go anyway. Its simple, I won't bowl anyone over with my use of amazing vocabulary, its just an expression like my sketches.

I'd haunt my lover's side,
When hes asleep,
If I were a ghost.

It'd be much like when I was living.
Only I'd whisper in his ear,
Things I daren't have said then.
He wouldn't hear me now.

I'd run waves of warmth
Over his body.
Much like I did with my hands
When I was alive.
I'd give him my heat to steal,
I don't need it now.

It would be ecstasy for a while
But not for long.
Being beside him
And him
Not knowing I was there.

I was more cut up when my dog died. Is it easier to have a relationship with something that doesn't talk? I was relieved when she died because I hated to see her suffer. Afterwards, I went through a phase of constantly thinking about death and fearing it. It didn't look painless. Dead things don't look like they're sleeping like they make it look on TV.

When at my nan's funeral, today, I shed a handful of tears. I was angry. Looked and tried to imagine how others around me were feeling. My dad was sat amongst his brothers, he wasn't crying. My sisters were sat next to me, sobbing, I wondered why. We weren't close to her. Maybe, like me, they were angry for the person she was to others but not to us.

I'm in love with him.

I haven't told him yet, I'm still pretending like I don't care. Whats the point? Its all gonna end in tears anyway. Its funny, I still feel nervous when I meet him, even though most would observe us as 'girlfriend/boyfriend' by now... we're not, we're lovers and that doesn't last does it?

I feel better now.